I don't want a pity party, and I'm not asking for any sympathy. It's just the truth of the matter that I want to share.
Unless you have spent time in a classroom and had the responsibilty of keeping up with the well-being of 20, 30, or 115 students, you are likely unaware of all that goes into the teaching profession. And substituting isn't even in the same ballpark. When I graduated from college with a mind full of fluff in regards to what really goes on, my dreams of completely changing the world "one student at a time" were quickly distorted.
My first full year of teaching can be summed up in one simple/awful word: NIGHTMARE! Yes, all throughout college, I had heard of such horror stories, but I mainly didn't believe them because, like I said, I had been brainwashed to believe that all I will really have to do is teach. It wasn't true. I had to figure out what to teach. I had to teach myself what I was teaching. I had to discipline and earn respect even though many of them had very little background experience with that word in that school. I had to grade what I had taught and access what they knew or didn't know. I had to sort through mounds of paperwork daily. And, certainly not a completed list, I had to love them.
I realize that thus far, this is negative and would lead one to believe that I loathe my job, and I certainly don't. At least I didn't this year. I spent two years begging the Lord to help me to love this job. On the days when I couldn't stand it any longer, I dreamed of so many other careers that, in my opinion, would've been so much easier and more suitable for me. I looked into going back to school to be a dietitian. I even considered opening a scrapbooking store, all in my head of course. I constantly played the "what would make me happy" game. And I just continued to pray.
God, I want a job that I love. I want to be satisfied with what I am doing.
I started this year with sense of unease. I had had one miserable year, had left in the middle of what would've been a better year. It would be my third year and my fourth school. I was constantly the "new girl."
Where's the library? What's the librarian's name? How does discipline work? Who should I go to if I have a question with __________? What books do I use to teach? How is this normally taught in this school? Where's the restroom?
It was exhausting. I had hung and taken down and hung and taken down the same decorations over and over. This year, though, it was different. I was working with a team, and there's something in that that gave me confidence in myself and profession that I had never had. As a teacher, you're a lone ranger. It's just you and the kids. You can seclude yourself and never talk to an adult the entire day, and no one would no the difference. You can be as insecure about what you're doing and how you're doing it and never let a sole know and never ask a question about how they're doing it and if that's better. Working with a team, I was able to steal and share ideas. There's safety in numbers, so when I knew that someone else is teaching exactly what I was, I came out of my "I can't do this" shell. I had time to love my kids and not just see them as my daily form of torture.
He heard my prayers because even on my very worst day, I could still say to myself that I loved this job. This is how I know it's all worth it:
"I had a lot of fun in your class with you this year, and I am so glad I got you as my RELA teacher!!! I love your personality, sense of style, creative handwriting and powerpoints, and just your free spirit. You are an awesome, fun person and teacher!!! You were my favorite. Shh...don't tell. Hope you had a good 1st year at KMS, and I'll miss you. God bless you and your family." [Yes, it was punctuated correctly. Woohoo!]
"Mrs. Whitley, I never loved english so much. I hope I see you again."
"Mrs. Whitley, I never loved english so much. I hope I see you again."
Third year of teaching, I will miss you. You changed everything that I thought of this job.
"The LORD has heard my cry for mercy; the LORD accepts my prayer." Psalm 6:9
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Congratulations on summer - you have earned it! And I'm so glad you're loving teaching and found a great school!